Hi

I just experienced the situation where I was annihilated and attempted to not puke all over my parents' new carpet (it's really shiny), then succeeded, then felt exhilarated because I didn't ruin their carpet, then realized this situation essentially never happened even though it seemed like it did continuously after almost 18 similar situations over the past two years.

Uh, I have a lease, a dog, and a girlfriend. Literally 90 percent of all the stories in my life have no meaning.

Crap.

Home for Christmas

Look, I love Christmas,

I get to go home, get doted on, be told how awesome I am by my family, and generally not hate myself. Then I still hate myself because it sucks.

I wish "home" was where I actually lived in real life, so I could spare myself the several hundred dollars it costs to come "home", be fed approximately twelve dollars worth of booze, be given a crappy piece of salmon that would barely suffice as actual food where I actually live eleven and a half months out of the year, that is significantly shittier than the fish I prepare myself in actual life on an almost daily basis, (which costs like two dollars and tastes awesome because I don't live in a goddamn landlocked state in real life!) but whatever floats their boat...

I've been told I'm a thoughtless bastard but god DAMN I come by it honest.