The origin of Wine Farts

So, as you might be aware, the economy fell into the toilet and has pretty much stayed there for the past three years, which has caused unemployment to reach double digit percentages. While at first the effects of this so called "economic downturn" did not impact me much, over time I ended up a part of the unemployed masses for reasons too boring to discuss. Thus, I have been forced to find alternate sources of libation from my typical, expensive favorite drink, beer. I know what you're thinking - "isn't beer typically cheaper than wine," or alternately, "this guy is a moron". I agree on both counts. However, the beer I drink isn't the can swill manufactured by huge multinational corporations that make funny ads around Super Bowl time to appeal to ex-jocks named Bubba (not that there's anything wrong with that). No, my tastes are highly refined, and I'm forced to spend nearly two dollars a bottle on beer! Two dollars a bottle! How is a broke person supposed to afford that?

So naturally a few months back I'm wandering around the grocery store aimlessly like one of the Dawn of the Dead zombies and I see that you can buy big bottles of high powered Merlot (I'm talking 14% ABV, or like 4 times Miller Lite) for uber cheap. This excited me greatly, so I walked over to the Credit Union, took out a personal loan, and took a few of these bad boys back to my 1993 Toyota Previa van for rapid consumption. It went down, albeit not very smoothly. OK, it's far from tasty, but in a pinch, it got the job done.

The next morning, I woke up to what smelled like a cross between sulfur, marsh water, nacho cheese, and blood. None of these things were in the van, so you can imagine my initial confusion. I got out of the van and started searching for clues, when I suddenly started farting uncontrollably (I’m sure you’re beginning to think I’m providing way too much information but I swear there’s a method to this madness). The smell from the van emerged, and I immediately knew that the smell was in fact a result of my one-man debauchery from the night before.

The smell was so awful that I decided that all things in this world that stink, whether they be Albert Haynesworth’s handling of being moved to nose tackle, Lindsay Lohan’s rehab attempts, Tim Sylvia, beach port-a-johns, Korean food, all seasons of 24 after Jack is sent to China, and of course, LeBron’s decision, can be characterized as being Wine Farts. Sitting back and whining about these things doesn’t make them go away or change them in any way, so I figure I might as well have some fun with them. Kind of like I had some fun with the wine before my body turned it into farts. Really stinky farts.