My ideal best man's speech, in haiku

I'm not going to ever do this actual speech because I respect the wishes of the bride and because I know what it's like to grow up Southern Baptist, but this is the actual best man's speech I mean to give tomorrow for my best friend. And you bet your ass it's in haiku, because any speech that isn't is not only dishonest, but really fucking boring. So for the world, a chronological history of my relationship with my best friend, in haiku:

1999:

Matt Gross is an ass.

He should crash his stupid van

Into the woods, douche.

Early 2003:

You turned 21?

I would like for you to please

Buy me alcohol.

2003:

Damn, who really knew?

Hoobastank is in the house.

They suck less than Bush.

2004:

Andy Nelson's house.

New Year's party was awesome.

I got her not you.

2005:

Fab four was all good.

William was and still remains

One crazy bastard.

2006:

Campaign party hop.

Fred Phillips is a douche bag.

Coors Light fucking sucks.

2006/2007:

Red Hook ESB.

The turning point in our whole

Beer drinking careers.

2008:

Let us go to Bell's.

It is the Mecca of the

Whole beer drinking world.

2009:

As you can surmise,

I am a fucking moron.

I will not deny.

2010:

Please come to DC.

Sharon and you should learn how

Stinkbugs really smell.

2011:

Congratulations!

Dude, you landed a truly

Kickass awesome girl.

My speech is going to blow chunks tomorrow (and I likely will do the same) but I hope this makes up for it. Good luck and much happiness and all that shit!