A Clearly Canadian Riot

While it’s probably impossible to condone a riot, it’s not too hard to understand the general motivation behind them. A group of people, disenfranchised with their political or economic situation, angrily convene to show their displeasure in a town square or public place. Bricks are thrown, cars are burned, businesses are looted, people are jailed, no one involved wins. The idea is that some form of greater good is achieved by the action, which is supposed to inspire policy change or improve awareness of a community’s issues.

So when I awakened this morning and the only topic anyone was talking about was people rioting in Vancouver about the stupid Stanley Cup loss, I paused for a moment of introspective reflection before coming to this conclusion:

Sports are stupid.

That doesn’t mean I won’t still watch them, and that doesn’t mean I won’t still write about them. There was a time in my life not that long ago when I would have thought the Vancouver riot was the coolest thing ever. It would have seemed honest, passionate, metal. I would have said; “wow, those fans are a lot better than the fans of the teams I root for.”

Now I’m just saying “wow.”

I understand that the whole “riot” basically consisted of one pile of burning rubble and one overturned car that some 14 year kid in camo pants kicked the shit out of. From the reports I’ve read, it spiraled out of control because the police essentially weren’t prepared for it. I’ve been to Mudvayne concerts in open fields that looked more dangerous than this “riot.”

What is this, a James Cameron movie?

Sidenote (fuck you, Grantland!): In college I denied myself the pleasures of booze and women for the first two years to essentially go to as many metal concerts as possible. I realize now that these things didn’t have to be mutually exclusive, but at the time I didn’t know that. The Mudvayne show, which took place at the Pickens Speedway in Pickens, SC, was one of these shows. I think there might have been a track there, but I didn’t see it, it basically was an open field with a stage, a food stand, and turnstiles. At this show, I’m not really sure why there was a bonfire, but there was, and it got really big. Now I’m all for bonfires and metal shows, but it would have been a lot more enjoyable for all involved if the bonfire had been located somewhere not IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN MOSH PIT. Kind of like how the commute home from Game 7 for Vancouverites (Vancouverans? Vancouvans?) would have been a lot more enjoyable without overturned burning cars in the road. It’s an apt comparison, since nobody died in either situation as far as I know.

Imagine this with 300 pound rednecks moshing around the fire.

It’s incredibly stupid to risk prison time because you got drunk at a hockey game and decided to burn some cars. Nobody over the age of 19 is saying “those are some awesome fans up there in Vancouver, eh!” I’ve watched sports for a long, long time. I’ve suffered some pretty horrible losses from my teams, and I’ve taken them way too seriously. The Titans losing the Super Bowl in 1999/2000 is probably the most similar loss to a Game 7 Stanley Cup loss that I’ve suffered with a team I was rooting for. You know what I did after that game? I went home and played NFL2K on my Dreamcast. No cars were harmed. I felt like shit for about three days, and then I moved on.

You have fires and stupid people, I have this.

UT blowing the SEC championship game in 2001 was a pretty awful experience. Furman blowing a pretty easy run to the I-AA national championship in 2004 against James Madison, that one really sucked. The Ravens’ smackdown of the Titans in 2008/2009 – I got horribly drunk after that one. After the Rusty Smith game against the Redskins last season (as the one Titans fan in the Redskins bar) I didn’t want to speak to anyone for hours and by all accounts was an insufferable prick for a couple of days. It’s not worth risking your relationships to brood over what millionaires or entitled prick college football players did or didn’t do on a playing field. Nobody gets upset when Nic Cage makes a terrible movie. I get taking sports too seriously. I’ve been there, done that, and bought the jersey.

Here are some things to riot about: lack of AIDS research funding; lack of green technology funding; coalition wars with no timetables for pullouts or transparent goals; an Energy department willing to allow BP to slide on numerous safety violations leading to the Gulf disaster; out of control deficit spending by administrations from both major political parties and a lack of an alternative to those parties; ousting politicians for twitter penis pictures; Glenn Beck; Ke$ha; antitrust practices from major media corporations; a reliance on foreign oil that is becoming less necessary; a three year recession brought on by the misuse of technology and idiot bankers; the longest sentence pieced together with semicolons I’ve ever seen.

Riot about one of those things, and I’ll bring the matches and lighter fluid. But sports aren’t worth it. Especially hockey.