Quick followup: Before I sobered up slightly, I deleted 18 people, all of whom have first names starting with the letter A, before realizing that this ludicrousness was not only stupid, but an enormous waste of time.

Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed a teetotaler. Not really, but damn life would have been a lot easier.

My mom just tried to add me on Facebook.

OK, look, I’m sure you probably went through this nonsense three years ago, and this is one of the stupidest things you could ever have a crisis about, but I guaran-fucking-tee you did not make the following mistakes in the year 2005, AKA when Facebook had “exclusivity” and was only available to college kids:

A: Attend college

B: Take a remarkably expensive Europe trip where you redefined the amount of alcohol the human body could consume without consequence (I’m not even bragging, it’s shameful and I don’t regret a bit of it, although in 40 years I will).

C: Have every compromising photo of you get posted on Facebook because at the time, and this is the key component: HAVE YOUR ASS TAGGED BECAUSE THE SITE ONLY PERMITTED STUDENTS TO LOOK AT IT!

I mean Facebook’s got it all. Body shots: check. Mohawk: gloriously featured, in several colors. Me motorboating Danish high school girls: you bet. All that shit is there, 100 percent. Several times I’ve just wanted to scrap the old account and start a new one under the false pretense that I was hacked or something, but the vast majority of the friends that I actually care about would see through that crap immediately.

So, I have to make the following decision: either pretend that I’m a choirboy and submit it all to privacy settings (which would take hours, and let’s face it, I’d rather delete the account), or delete the account.

Jesus, that was easy. Thanks for listening. Simply because every good picture of me taken in the last six years is on there, I’m keeping it. But I’m going to trim my account from its current 377 people to 50, and use it as god fucking intended: for friends.

Have a great weekend.

My ideal best man's speech, in haiku

I'm not going to ever do this actual speech because I respect the wishes of the bride and because I know what it's like to grow up Southern Baptist, but this is the actual best man's speech I mean to give tomorrow for my best friend. And you bet your ass it's in haiku, because any speech that isn't is not only dishonest, but really fucking boring. So for the world, a chronological history of my relationship with my best friend, in haiku:

1999:

Matt Gross is an ass.

He should crash his stupid van

Into the woods, douche.

Early 2003:

You turned 21?

I would like for you to please

Buy me alcohol.

2003:

Damn, who really knew?

Hoobastank is in the house.

They suck less than Bush.

2004:

Andy Nelson's house.

New Year's party was awesome.

I got her not you.

2005:

Fab four was all good.

William was and still remains

One crazy bastard.

2006:

Campaign party hop.

Fred Phillips is a douche bag.

Coors Light fucking sucks.

2006/2007:

Red Hook ESB.

The turning point in our whole

Beer drinking careers.

2008:

Let us go to Bell's.

It is the Mecca of the

Whole beer drinking world.

2009:

As you can surmise,

I am a fucking moron.

I will not deny.

2010:

Please come to DC.

Sharon and you should learn how

Stinkbugs really smell.

2011:

Congratulations!

Dude, you landed a truly

Kickass awesome girl.

My speech is going to blow chunks tomorrow (and I likely will do the same) but I hope this makes up for it. Good luck and much happiness and all that shit!